To You Who Holds the Sling

there was a period where I remained single for three months. it was such a remarkable feat I felt like I moved mountains and calmed the stormy seas. in short, I performed a miracle just by virtue of being alone.

but to say I was single then wouldn't be accurate either. I was oscillating between guys and experimenting heavily with the concept of trial-and-error. if there were good vibes (a muddy theory resting on unsound principles), we could latch on to greater possibilities. if there wasn't, then it's time to say goodbye and hello to someone else.

it's like shopping. you spend your time and spare your kisses, and you'll get rebates like free dinner and car rides. if you don't like what you've purchased, you can walk out of it.

the magic? no committment. and you feel good.


the tragedy? no committment. and you realised that what you felt was counterfeit.

whether they were noncommittal or not, these tryouts ultimately fulfilled the same objective: to try fill the black hole in your heart. judging by how often I fell in and out of relationships, I should have VIP status in this arena. I naively believed I could vaccinate myself against loneliness if there was someone at my beck and call. if I had someone to whine to. if I had programmes lined up on weekends, even if they were by default and predictable.

with that I was never single for seven years. buffer period between one relationship to the next was frowned upon. all these, and due credit should be given to my warped thinking.

which is why Pastor's advice to remain single for the next one year as a covenant to God came across as a Herculean challenge. what he laid on the table was to him a proposition. what I saw, however, was a Goliath-- but this time a fully armoured one.

what would my defense be? my less-than-glorious background? my fledging spiritual walk? or my sparse knowledge of the Bible?

questions were barraging me on all fronts. ultimately, however, I realised that I have the best army support equivalent to a spiritual SWAT team. my God is mightier and bigger than any and many foes combined. He watches my back, checks my blind spots and destroys my enemies, and all He asks is that I put on my blinkers and follow His guidance faithfully, to trust that He is smarter than I am and will ultimately pull me through whatever He's presented me with. my job is to move in the commands of the General, even if I cannot see the total landscape of His plan.

with that, I made the promise, and pray that I will rely on Jesus in all circumstances, because I recognize I am a fortress made not of brick, but of clay and sand. that I can be so vulnerable and weak at times. that I might lose sight of my first intention. but I can be made strong, and all I need is but one stone to take this Goliath down, and God will be in charge of the sling. 


so thank You Lord, for giving me the privilege to honour this covenant, to sit by Your feet, to take up the cross, and to follow wherever you go.