Apple of the Eye

december always holds a special place in my heart.

not only because it is my birth month, but also because it's Jesus's, and everyone's always a little happier, a little more (for)giving, and just that little more cheery.

I used to have galactic dreams for my birthday. princess parties, continental surprises and the works. but my family has never been big on birthdays, which also meant the icing on my cake was nothing but disappointment. I dreamt big, fell hard and never failed to wet the sheets with angry tears.

and I guess that's how I overlooked the gifts sitting on my table, and how much they meant if only I allowed the scales to come off my eyes. the Chinese scrawlings on the red packets telling me how much they wished I was happy, the presents that told how greatly I was loved, and the notes which said the same story every year. how could I not have seen?


so even though this one present is a joint effort of three people, I don't mind.

apple-d!

I'll be one year older in one week's time, and along with the digital Apple I'm already given, I pray for the gift of wisdom, discernment and accompaniment of the Holy Spirit all the days of my life.

along the way, I pray I'll also be a gift to others who cross my path.

A Letter to God

dear Lord Jesus,

my walk with You certainly hasn't been one in the park.

if anything, it's like fighting a different battle everyday. many times I found myself overwhelmed by the amount of baggage I need to unload and the many areas of my life that need ironing out. I feel like a patchwork quilt unraveling at the seams, only because You're unpicking them, and it hurts.

head knowledge tells me that I will be safe in Your arms, and in good faith, to surrender all circumstances to You. but when life strikes me at the hardest places, even this mustard seed of faith ceases to exist for me, and I go in search of comfort and affirmation, more often than not in the wrong places.


either I am suffering from spiritual amnesia, or I am choosing to deny the truth. the crave for human approval is different from the need for human approval. in reality, I do not need anyone to give me the green light, or to  affirm my existence. I need not fear them, for You have created all of us, and I have You on my side. because You go before me in all circumstances, my enemies are struck down before I even have the chance to lay eyes on them. because of that, the battle is already won before I can fight it.

dear Lord, You have never promised me that the Christian faith will be a bed of roses. but what You've promised is your everlasting faithfulness, and the assurance that You will never leave nor abandon me when I need You the most.

engrave that not just in my head, but on my heart Lord. keep my eyes peeled on You, and help me not lose focus, as I am wont to do. I want to walk with you, not just in the good, but in the strife. whenever I forget, nudge me into memory: that You've never ever let go, once.

allow me to trust You no matter what life throws me, no matter how big Goliath might seem, no matter how tall the mountain in front of me stands.

for God You see all things. let me let You be You.

in Jesus's name,
amen.

A Date to Remember

21st November 2009:

Breaking promises made

22nd November 2009 -  22nd November 2010:

Honouring the covenant passed

To You Who Holds the Sling

there was a period where I remained single for three months. it was such a remarkable feat I felt like I moved mountains and calmed the stormy seas. in short, I performed a miracle just by virtue of being alone.

but to say I was single then wouldn't be accurate either. I was oscillating between guys and experimenting heavily with the concept of trial-and-error. if there were good vibes (a muddy theory resting on unsound principles), we could latch on to greater possibilities. if there wasn't, then it's time to say goodbye and hello to someone else.

it's like shopping. you spend your time and spare your kisses, and you'll get rebates like free dinner and car rides. if you don't like what you've purchased, you can walk out of it.

the magic? no committment. and you feel good.


the tragedy? no committment. and you realised that what you felt was counterfeit.

whether they were noncommittal or not, these tryouts ultimately fulfilled the same objective: to try fill the black hole in your heart. judging by how often I fell in and out of relationships, I should have VIP status in this arena. I naively believed I could vaccinate myself against loneliness if there was someone at my beck and call. if I had someone to whine to. if I had programmes lined up on weekends, even if they were by default and predictable.

with that I was never single for seven years. buffer period between one relationship to the next was frowned upon. all these, and due credit should be given to my warped thinking.

which is why Pastor's advice to remain single for the next one year as a covenant to God came across as a Herculean challenge. what he laid on the table was to him a proposition. what I saw, however, was a Goliath-- but this time a fully armoured one.

what would my defense be? my less-than-glorious background? my fledging spiritual walk? or my sparse knowledge of the Bible?

questions were barraging me on all fronts. ultimately, however, I realised that I have the best army support equivalent to a spiritual SWAT team. my God is mightier and bigger than any and many foes combined. He watches my back, checks my blind spots and destroys my enemies, and all He asks is that I put on my blinkers and follow His guidance faithfully, to trust that He is smarter than I am and will ultimately pull me through whatever He's presented me with. my job is to move in the commands of the General, even if I cannot see the total landscape of His plan.

with that, I made the promise, and pray that I will rely on Jesus in all circumstances, because I recognize I am a fortress made not of brick, but of clay and sand. that I can be so vulnerable and weak at times. that I might lose sight of my first intention. but I can be made strong, and all I need is but one stone to take this Goliath down, and God will be in charge of the sling. 


so thank You Lord, for giving me the privilege to honour this covenant, to sit by Your feet, to take up the cross, and to follow wherever you go.

What Doesn't Make Cents Isn't Always Wrong

when Tweetybird told me that she has a lot of financial committments-unlike me-of which included tithing, I smirked.

a quick mental calculation tells me that 10% of my income could buy me a lifetime membership with a spa resort, and with the leftover still purchase for myself a comfy pair of Muji pumps. should I wish to yield more with less, I could visit my favourite boutique and pick fifteen different dresses, and have change enough to buy me lunch at a mid-range restaurant.

the bottomline is this: you cash in, you take out. but surrendering 10% of your hard-earned money to something you can't even behold in your hands?

seriously.

it's like putting rice in a sack with holes. if that's not foolish, I'm not Pei. deep down, I knew (thought?) I had the last laugh.

but on the day my God decided to draw his one lost sheep back with His staff, He did not stop to calculate the loss He would incur if the neglected and obedient sheeps decide to run away. when He got nailed to the cross, He did stop a second to think if I would be a good investment.

when God placed upon me the conviction/challenge to give, I didn't jump at it and cry OH YEAAAAAH! instead, I went into a bout of doubt. maybe I didn't hear things right. maybe the lack of sleep got the better of me. God definitely wouldn't do this to me.

yet in light of all that He's done for me, my 10, 20 or even 100% is but pittance. do I seriously think God cares for my money if He is already a God of everything? who am I to feel so self-righteous if all I've ever given were the loose change from my pockets? that God still watches my back despite and in spite of my moral delusions, I should be grateful.

it certainly doesn't make much (economical) sense, but when you understand you're merely returning a tiny portion of what God has given you, the pieces all come together.

afterall, when you know that you're playing host to a king, you don't eat the bread and save the crumbs.

Lost and Found

I'm, of course, not your most devout Christian. I don't do church, I don't stop people in their tracks proclaiming divine interventions and miracles, and least of all, I don't mutter thanksgivings to a higher being whenever something good materializes.

in short, I'm just your average (worldly and materialistic) woman next door.

however, in a past long gone, I was once all these things. but came questioning and cynicism, and my faith ceased to exist.

because I guarded my independence so fiercely, I had always (mis?)interpreted my spirirtual dormancy all these years as freedom. I cherished the fact that I could come and go as I please, and that I could chew on questions thrown at me without turning them over to some alien entity whom I can't even have conversation with over coffee.

but life has a way of reverting you back to old belief systems. the people you meet, the struggles you experience and the endless questions that wreck your sleep every night-- they all tell the same story: your heart is a donut. that, all along, you've been wading into deeper waters thinking a little farther wouldn't hurt. wading, until you realize you no longer see the shore when you turn back, and wish desperately that someone would notice your struggle and throw you a life buoy.

all these years of self-validation and foolhardiness have reduced me to a sorry combination of fatigue and emptiness. in retrospect, I had been walking on a tightrope of happiness that threatened to tip anytime I was not careful. in short, I was on my own, answering questions with questions.

if I come clean with myself, I can only say I've built for myself a spiritual warehouse of emotional junk. the skeletons in my closet were threatening to show, and I finally admitted to myself that I've had enough of rationalizing God, His miracles and a faith which required not understanding, but obedience.

I once read somewhere that human beings have the tendency of  overrating our intelligence, using logic to explain God's love for us, a love which no words could fittingly describe. the author then continue to say that if we are smart, then we should be smart enough to know that God is smarter.

so with that mustard seed of faith, I suspend all logic and return to the Shepherd who willingly abandoned His 99 sheeps in search of me. for someone like me, I must say, by my books, that that is the ultimate expression of love.

(picture credits: Cartoonstock)