Shortening my Worry List

I've been catching myself with furrowed brows a lot of late.

I would slouch on my couch wondering if all I'm experiencing now is all that God has in store for me. I would avoid lovebirds like a plague because they set off the nagging suspicion in my heart that I'll never taste, much less smell, the sweet air of love. I would cry in my cubicle concluding that I am indeed the person you would interview if you're looking for a failure of a teacher.

everyday is a new battle for me. every morning I wake up questioning if I can overcome--or even face--the different giants waiting for me. every minute I ask when the last minute of the day will come. to say that I'm tired is just scratching the surface of my reality.

the past week had been particularly rotten for me. there was an avalanche of work sitting on my table, my students and I discovered a newfound enmity between ourselves, and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I went home one day realizing that it wasn't a place of safety, but one crusted with fear and unrest. I was one disturbed individual.

but in the midst of spending time with God today, I came to realize how much I have underestimated the power of His might and His love for me. that even though I am conscious of them, I am not conscious enough--of their magnitude, of their vastness, not just for anybody else, but for me. and as I cried out to God, admitting my own lack and acknowledging His wholeness and grace, His still, small voice came so crystal clear that I knew in an instant that everything was going to be alright. that it was God's business as much as it was a business of time.

if you ask me now, I'll tell you that there are more questions than answers and that things never get easier. but I just want to take comfort in the fact that I have a secret companion, one who is with me when dark clouds brew, when I sob my heart out at my desk, when I am honest enough to admit I can't do it.

if God loves me that much, then I don't want the winter of my life right now to eclipse the spring that is to come.